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Posted on November 26, 2017

My wife is a trooper. She sits through so many of my geeky movies. Last night, we watched Kong: Skull Island. She made it all the way through, even with the gratuitous ripping out of monstrous tongues. Oddly, our last movie had been the second Planet of the Apes remake, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. I really shouldn't force War for the Planet of the Apes on her anytime soon. Although she's enjoyed the Planet of the Apes movies so far, I just think it best our next film not have half the cast draped in fur.

I really wanted to like the movie, but it failed me on so many levels.

Giant monsters you say? I'm all over it. Raised on Godzilla and Ultraman, giant monsters doing battle are totally my thing. I also have a soft spot for big apes. Mighty Joe Young and the original King Kong still live large in my memories. I can even recall decorating my sketchbook from childhood with stickers from the Kong remake back then.

Anyway, back to why this movie didn't work for me.

None of the characters had any sort of development arc. What on earth was the Loki actor there for, other than some lame tracker lines that anyone could do?

I know we were supposed to care about the John Goodman character being proven right, but he was such a smug jerk.

The crazed survivor played by John C. Reilly was somewhat entertaining, but no one saw fit to take his advice. Obviously, you pay heed to the guy how makes it over two decades on the death island, right?

Samuel L. Jackson? I'm over him. I used to like his dramatic shtick, but no more. He delivers unhinged and stark raving, but that's all he seems to be able to do. His obsession with killing Kong felt so plot hammered.

And the photographer felt like the token trophy female, simply there to offer a nod to the beauty and the beast motif that is Kong's trademark.

And the lame plane/boat that puttered along the river and was a better alternative to trekking North on foot? Not buying it. I mean, I think if the cast did some speed walking, they could've gotten there in hip-swinging fashion toot sweet.

And the dinosaurs with no legs and the skull faces? Lame.

I did find Kong stopping to enjoy calamari even as the dying giant squid was still wrapped around his torso amusing, but why was the squid in such shallow water?

I have to admit, my favorite scene was the giant water buffalo, but that wasn't enough to save this.

Someday, someone will figure out how to make a movie about exploring a remote island or underground site with a lush ecosystem that is super deadly and do it up right, but this is not that movie.

Do yourself a favor and don't fly your cool seventies helicopter while blasting a rock anthem into the intimidating lightning storm to visit Kong: Numbskull Island.


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