INTERVIEW ABOUT MY PEN NAME PROJECT I DON'T MENTION MUCH
Posted on January 13, 2019
Burnt Jesus Interview
What's Burnt Jesus about?
– It's a cosmic murder mystery. I explore the idea of alternate realities where Jesus didn't die on the cross but was done in by other means.
Could you name a few?
– Drowned Jesus, Mauled Jesus, and Constricted Jesus.
How did Mauled meet his fate?
– Thrown to the lions.
Ah, should've guessed. So what happens to these Jesusi? I like that plural designation.
– Me too. Hoping it catches on and enters the vernacular.
So the main plot?
– These Jesusi meet every so often and hold a convention to discuss their role in the modern world. When only a handful of Jesusi show up at the latest convention taking place in our reality and not quite witness the murder of one of their own, they start to realize they have a major problem. Burnt Jesus enlists mortal accountant, Leon Spingle, to help identify the murderer and bring him or her to justice.
So he serves as the ordinary schmuck in this parable?
– Yes, but he does have a very special quality that is critical to solving the mystery. Burnt didn't nab him for his ability to reconcile a column of expenses.
What was your inspiration for this book? Bad experience in Sunday School?
– No, I'm not harshing on religion. I was raised Lutheran, but it really didn't stick. I tend to believe there is a higher power and that we do pass on to another plane of existence when we die, but I don't believe in Hell.
Why not?
– I just think an enlightened creator wouldn't have such a place. I look at the Bible as stories written by men in authority to help establish a moral code and keep folks in line. Organized religion is not for me.
So did you write Burnt Jesus as a criticism?
– More of a commentary. The religious aspects are more trappings to give the parable heft and relevance. I wasn't set on ripping up someone's spiritual perspective. If anything, one could read the novel and have their faith affirmed by the fact that the narrative celebrates wonder and performing good deeds. It examines what happens when we stray from the moral path.
And despite not believing in Hell, you do send Leon there in the book, yes?
– Yes, the imagery of an Underworld and the despicable persona of Lucifer are just too ripe to not exploit and spend time exploring. Leon's journey through the circles of Hell is one of my favorite parts. That's closely tied with his trip to the reality where Atomic Jesus calls home.
Portraying Jesus dying in different ways seems like a hot-button issue. Are you worried that it will be taken the wrong way?
– When I set out to write this novel, I was aware some might take offense, but that hasn't been the case.
Reviewers are enjoying the light tone and cosmic hijinks. I've gotten very little pushback or outcry. I think that's because the story is respectful while mulling deep questions about existence, spirituality, and faith.
Let's talk about the tone of the book. You mentioned to me that Douglas Adams really inspired you.
– Definitely. His Hitchhiker's series is one of my faves. Good Omens by Pratchett and Gaiman was also a source of inspiration along with the Inferno series by Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle. And a little known comic, Stig's Inferno, is also relevant in my concocting of Burnt Jesus.
Throw out a couple random elements from the book.
– Drowning in a comic book shop. Las Vegas as a destination for deities. Dimension hopping via candy shops.
I understand you're leaving us with an excerpt from the book?
– Yes, chapter five. It's a good example of the banter and showcases Leon finding out why Burnt Jesus needs him. Enjoy.
A reminder to readers that Burnt Jesus is available as an e-book on all the top online sales channels and in print through Amazon.
– And to allay any fears, no one caught reading the book has been struck down by lightning. Yet.
Thanks, Brian. Oh, one more thing. Why did you use the pen name Landon Alspiret?
– Since I'm a fifth grade teacher, I didn't want to risk having parents get the wrong idea about my writing. Plus, the tone and writing level of the book leans toward grown-ups who enjoy fantasy and science fiction. I really don't see fifth graders gravitating to it.
This interview was administered by Brian to himself. He loves taking on both roles because the guy has such an inflated ego.
– No I don't.
Yes you do. I'm you, remember? I know all about just how infatuated you are with yourself.
– Okay, maybe a little.
******
Chapter Five
A deity should be direct. The cosmic should confess. The divine should do away with the cryptic and give the what for. Leon's head hurt already and he was certain the parade of disjointed information would keep coming fast and hard from Burnt Jesus.
They strolled down the sidewalk together, shielded from the rain by the man's force field. Despite the downpour around them, other pedestrians still rushed by on occasion. None gave them a second glance. Leon wondered about that. Weren't they seeing the same thing as he was? He highly doubted they would be so dismissive of a pair of men out for a walk with the very rain around them making such obvious and gravity-defying detours.
But not a one spared them a second look.
Not the young attractive woman wielding a large yellow umbrella.
Not the fit middle-aged man who jogged by in running raingear.
Not even the mother and daughter shoppers weighed down with grocery bags on their way to their car. Burnt Jesus even stopped and helped them load their groceries. Neither responded in horror over a disfigured transient in a blousy shirt coming to their aid. They smiled, thanked him for his thoughtfulness, and drove off without the slightest trace of consternation on their equally dimpled faces.
Leon gawked at Burnt Jesus, willing him not to resume walking again. Surprisingly, the bearded man didn't. He stared back at Leon with a mix of fascination and urgency.
"Well . . ." Leon didn't need this. Not today.
"I know you're all questions, and I will try my best to be all answers. Just be aware that I don't know everything and some things will come to me the longer I'm here. That's just part of adjusting to a recent slip."
"Why doesn't everyone stare at you in utter shock? Aren't they seeing what I'm seeing? Why did they let you load their car?"
"You think I look untrustworthy? That I emanate malice?"
"No, that's not what I mean." He waved his hands through the rain-free zone above his head. "This. Why don't they react to us not getting wet?"
"Because they don't see it that way." Jesus lifted one of his sandals and plucked a stone from underneath. "I let you see exactly what's happening because you need to have your eyes opened. That's step one in molding a suitable savior when the universe is threatened."
"What do they see?"
"Whatever rational image that would explain us being dry and undrenched. Probably two large umbrellas of the variety your mother would find altogether too showy and functional, I'm sure."
"You projected an illusion to them?"
"Yes."
Leon didn't know how to phrase it but decided to be direct. "And the bus drivers and the mother and daughter, why didn't they freak out about your burns and beard?"
Jesus didn't act as if wounded by his comment. "Again, they saw me as clean-cut. I didn't show my true self to them. It would be too much for the average mortal."
Leon sputtered, "And yet you deemed me capable of handling such a sight?"
"Of course. Like I said, you're to be the hero. What sort of champion would you be if you didn't have the wherewithal to endure a little singed flesh and scar tissue? Don't tell me you're unsettled by this." He pointed at his face.
Leon wanted to spout off how insane the idea was, how he couldn't possibly be the hero. But he didn't. Instead, he leaned away slightly. "No, not at all. I didn't mean any offense." He still found his situation bordering on insane, but he felt in control being able to ask his questions.
Burnt Jesus motioned for them to resume walking. "You can fling questions at me as we go. We have to arrive on time."
"To where?"
"Our next destination. I'd feel better telling you more specifics after you inquire a bit more. You need to get a sense of what's what before I go into where we go next. For now, let's keep traveling along this thoroughfare, all right?"
Leon nodded and stayed close to Burnt Jesus. While the rain was lessening, he still found it entertaining to keep himself within the arid area around his divine companion.
"You said you weren't my Jesus. What's that mean? I admit to letting my religious allegiances fall by the wayside, but I should think you'd still see me as one of your children."
"Not really." Jesus grinned and held out his palms for inspection. "Notice anything absent from these?"
Leon wondered if he meant fingerprints, but immediately dismissed the notion. Five fingers on each hand. Slight calluses on the palms, but nothing unusual. Then it hit him. "Wait, you were crucified, nailed to the cross. Where are your wounds?" Leon grabbed one of the extended hands and played his fingers over the palm. Soft, yielding skin. No scars from being nailed to a cross. Of course, couldn't Jesus just remedy that with a little flick of his godly powers? Couldn't he mend his flesh? For that matter, couldn't he execute his own facelift and do away with the burns?
"That's because I was never crucified."
"You're saying the Bible is wrong? That you burned at the stake instead?" Leon splashed through a large puddle.
"No, not at all. I'm not your Jesus. I'm not the Jesus of this reality."
"Huh?" Leon cringed at his inadequate response. Here he was hobnobbing with the son of God and the rejoinder he could muster was so monosyllabic?
"I'm from another Earth. The universe is made of an infinite array of alternate realities. Simply put, in my world, I was burned at the stake instead of hoisted up on a cross."
"So our Jesus isn't the only one? There are more Jesuses out there across other worlds?" Leon didn't like how that sounded. Was the plural Jesusi or Jesuses? And had the plurality of Christ ever had to be contemplated before? He felt inadequate to pass judgment on the correct wording to use.
"Yes and no. That's a major reason I'm seeking you out."
"I don't understand."
Jesus sighed, and Leon found it to be the most heartfelt sigh he had ever heard. Burnt Jesus was about to share his burden with him and he was certain it wouldn't go well.
"Yes, there are quite a few Jesusi out there. I know this because we meet regularly. The next gathering is tomorrow. That's where we're going."
"But why'd you say no then?"
"Well, the next shindig was to be here in your reality, Las Vegas to be exact. Your Jesus was hosting the event. He asked me to help out, assigning me to send out the invites and be in charge of the RSVPs."
"Okay." If the number of alternate realities were infinite, just how many Jesusi sent back their invites? Even if only a fraction did, how did Burnt Jesus keep track of such responses? He pictured him buried under a mountain of replies, sorting through those who requested fish and those who wanted steak. "That sounds like quite a challenge."
"Not really. Most don't respond. Only the real diehards, those of us who care about the whole fabric of reality, show up every year. You'd be amazed at how many are too self-absorbed."
"I'm sure I would."
"The last one was held ten years ago and we heard back from about three thousand Jesusi. About a third attended and the rest politely checked the No Thank You, I'm Too Busy With An Existential Crisis In My Reality, Maybe Next Time."
That's a very specific box to check."
"Yes, well, that reason comes up so often it deserved its own box."
"What others?"
"Come again?"
"What other excuses have boxes?"
"Well, the invite has forty-seven decline boxes. I really don't feel like rattling off any more of them at this juncture."
"Okay." Leon was upset at himself for his divergent inquiry. He was normally so focused and by-the-numbers. Was being around this Jesus making him more scattered?
"I'm about to reveal how many got back to me. It's really a dramatic turn." He looked up and the rain eerily stopped. "You're going to want to hear this."
"Spill it." Leon cringed. Even with this Jesus not being his, he could show more decorum around him.
Burnt Jesus's eyes widened. "Seven. Six yeses and one no."
"Wait, didn't you say the last one drew Jesusi in the thousands?"
"I did. A little over a thousand, actually. I don't know if I'd say by the thousands."
"And next you're going to tell me this is unheard of, right?"
"It is."
"So what's the problem? It's been a busy decade. People get tied up. Obligations and all. I would imagine you Jesusi have quite a laundry list of obligations."
"Eh." Burnt Jesus waved his hand dismissively.
"So what do you think it is?"
Jesus drew closer and whispered, "I suspect foul play."
"Such as?"
"I think someone is doing in my fellow Jesusi."
Leon froze. What was happening here? Why was he walking down the street listening to this nonsense? He was about to spin about and march back to his bus stop when Burnt Jesus grabbed his arm.
"Ah, here we are. Time to slip. Hope you're ready for this." He pointed to the clearing sky off to their left.
Leon gawked. A large hole gaped back at him. Not a hole in the side of a building. Not a fissure in a roof. Not a rent in a broken window.
No, this hole cut into the very time and space above a small candy shop.
The thought of beating a retreat left his head. Another happenstance of the inexplicable stared back at him, and he found he wanted to know more.
Jesus pointed at the gouge in reality and said, "Let's hurry along. Have to fill you in on your first slip. It's a bit tricky with one of mortal constitution."