WHY YOU NEED BETA READERS: PART FIVE
Posted on April 27, 2013
I keep telling myself revealing all my mistakes is therapeutic, that readers who visit here appreciate this inside look at how a book gains its edited shine. Here are some more changes.
1. Here's the passage in question:
Tekka slid another arrow into place and drew back her bowstring. "Touch a Firebreak again, and I'll aim much higher. I know full well where a fairy hides their hearts."
A reader said this: Either "a fairy hides his heart" or "fairies hide their hearts"
What I wanted to casually drop into the story is the notion that fairies had two hearts. It's something that will figure into the second book.
2. Appears I need to learn the difference between poring and pouring. My name is Brian and I have a homophone problem.
3. A reader pointed out that the story is from Ned's POV and the two paragraphs below shift to Sir Franklin's perspective:
Again, no one paid heed to the tree.
Sir Franklin muttered to himself, clearly insulted that no one was listening.
Here's the revised sentence to firmly put it back in Ned's playground:
The others paid no heed to the tree. Ned tried, but couldn't totally tune him out.
Sir Franklin muttered to himself, clearly insulted that no one was listening.
4. A reader pointed out I used a noun for a verb. They said: Use tagalong for the noun and tag along for the verb.
I changed it to the verb in the revision.
5. A reader mentioned they had to read this several times to understand. That's not good.
The dragon noticed. "Sorry about taking you through the Kingdom of Skallarg, but I need more than just your guards and the few farmers near my lair to see me running off with you."
Here's the revised paragraph:
The dragon noticed. "Sorry about taking you through the Kingdom of Skallarg, but I need more witnessing me running off with you than just your guards and the few farmers near my lair."
6. Oops, pen and pencil in hand should be paper and pencil in hand. Not much writing happening in the first instance.
7. And then you have those paragraphs that are awkward:
Despite knowing that Stacia should be informed that the tree was not under her command , he said nothing. It took every remaining drib of will power not to blab that the tree was not loyal , but he resisted. Stacia may have his mind tied up with blind devotion, but he was pleased he could hold back this one thing. He did his best to mask this deceit when Stacia returned, took his hand, and walked him across the river.
And here it is, tweaked and with one less but:
Despite knowing that Stacia should be informed that the tree had a mind of his own, he said nothing. It took every remaining ounce of will power not to tell her Sir Franklin was faking his obedience. He resisted calling out. Stacia may have his mind tied up with blind devotion, but he was pleased he could hold back this one thing. He did his best to mask this deceit when Stacia returned, took his hand, and walked him across the river.
I am so excited by how much stronger the book is becoming. Soon, readers will have the chance to peek inside Ned's delightful world of dragons and damsels and talking trees.